1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push an envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

15. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

16. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

17. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

18. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

19. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a real taste of religion.

24. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

25. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

26. Two fish swim directly into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

What fantastic luck! –I bet there are more Roman treasures to be found in the Somerset area.

One of the largest ever finds of Roman coins in Britain has been made by a man using a metal detector.

The hoard of more than 52,000 coins dating from the 3rd Century AD was found buried in a field near Frome in Somerset.

The coins were found in a huge jar just over a foot (30cm) below the surface by Dave Crisp, from Devizes in Wiltshire.

“I have made many finds over the years, but this is my first major coin hoard,” he said.

After his metal detector gave a “funny signal”, Mr Crisp says he dug down 14in before he found what had caused it.

“I put my hand in, pulled out a bit of clay and there was a little Radial, a little bronze Roman coin. Very, very small, about the size of my fingernail.”

Mr Crisp reported the find to the authorities, allowing archaeologists to excavate the site.

Offering to godsSince the discovery in late April, experts from the Portable Antiquities Scheme at the British Museum have been working through the find.

Here’s the rest of the story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk/10546960.stm

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite…)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11.  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 police officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” (MY FAVORITE)

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

Happy 4th of July!

Sign over a Gynecologist’s office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

**************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
 
***************** *********
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
 
**************************
On a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit, please back in.”
 
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
 
**************************
On another Plumber’s truck:
” Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
 
**************************
On a Church’s Bill board:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
 
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
 
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
 
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
 
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
 
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
 
**************************
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
 
**************************
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
 
**************************
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
 
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
 
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
 
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
 
**************************
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
 
************** ************
In a Restaurant window:
” Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
 
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
 
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
 
**************************
And don’t forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
 
**********************
Sign on the back of another
Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises

Sign over a Gynecologist’s office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

**************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
 
***************** *********
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
 
**************************
On a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit, please back in.”
 
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
 
**************************
On another Plumber’s truck:
” Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
 
**************************
On a Church’s Bill board:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
 
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
 
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
 
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
 
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
 
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
 
**************************
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
 
**************************
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
 
**************************
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
 
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
 
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
 
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
 
**************************
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
 
************** ************
In a Restaurant window:
” Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
 
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
 
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
 
**************************
And don’t forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
 
**********************
Sign on the back of another
Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises

Sent to me by my  X wife. Really……