Not my Favourite Things
(With apologies to Rogers and Hammerstein!)

Facebook and Bebo and Ebay and Twitter
Texting and typing – they won’t make you fitter,
Sore eyes and fingers are all that they bring,
They’re not remotely my favourite things!

Viruses, Trojans, and spamming and phishing,
Data on laptops that seem to go missing,
Sitting on trains when a telephone rings,
These aren’t exactly my favourite things!

When they break down, when they spam me,
When they make me mad……
Then I remember how things used to be –
And I don’t feel so bad!

Letters from loved ones in handwritten packets
Walks in the park with no ‘phones in our jackets,
Capitals used when a sentence begins,
Those were a few of my favourite things!

For those old days, and those old ways,
I am feeling sad,

Then I switch off my i-phone and PC,
And I don’t feel so bad!

Credit: N. Beeton

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

 A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.”

 God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”

The economy is so bad that the highest-paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad that I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

The economy is so bad that parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

The economy is so bad that I saw someone using the sun to get a tan!

The economy is so bad, I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad, mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, “Finish your meal! Don’t you know there are starving children in the US?”

The economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

The economy is so bad, the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

The economy is so bad, a certain celebutante changed her name to “Paris Holiday Inn.”

The economy is so bad that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

The economy so bad, they renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”

The economy is so bad, Angelina had to adopt a highway.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, eats your food,
messes up your stuff, takes, your money,
and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place,
then you either married or gave birth to it.

Hello, gentle blog reader,

Divorce may be an unsavory topic, but these eye-popping “divorce cakes” sure do whet the appetite Bon appetit!

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday October 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim
Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided as will instructions as how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY:
DO THEY LEVITATE (FLY) TO KITCHEN SINK (DISHWASHER) BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control – Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting – Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS:
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH:
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS:
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Role playing and slideshow

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT:
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

“Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Bad Times have Hit.

Got Milk?

I live on a farm and times are

pretty hard as the area I live in is

considered economically

depressed.It’s so bad, that I’ve

heard some of our neighbors were

having a hard time making ends

meet. This morning, I woke up to

hear a knock at the door. When I

went to answer the door — this is

the sad sight that I saw. It just

about broke my heart!

Please scroll down, to see for

yourself…!!

*
*
*
*
*
*